Let's normalize the way people connect

Six ideas for meeting people where they are

I’ve been thinking a lot about masking lately and how we can more actively embrace the ways that neurodiverse people show up in the world.

Masking is what people do (consciously or unconsciously) to fit in with neurotypical ways of socializing. 

To be fair, everyone masks from time to time. For example, you might not say things in a job interview that you’d say to your best friend. Or you might “show up” at a dinner party very differently than the way you’d show up to dinner with close family.

The difference for many neurodiverse people, though, is that they feel forced to put on a mask in order to get through their days without people judging them, excluding them, or flat-out misinterpreting them. Masking can feel like a safer way to move through the world— and it typically begins for young kids unconsciously when they start school.

The more I learn about neurodiversity, the more I think — it really shouldn’t be this hard to simply accept the different ways that people communicate.

The toll of masking can be massive, leading to burnout, depression, and anxiety. And for neurodiverse folks who don’t mask “well enough?” They’re still judged or excluded despite exhausting, Herculean efforts. 

The more I learn about neurodiversity, the more I think — it really shouldn’t be this hard for neurodiverse people to show up as themselves in the world and for the world to embrace them.

I once heard a mom describe how she teaches her own neurodiverse kids that masking is like “speaking neurotypical language.” When she explains it this way, she says, it gives them more choice — they can decide when it’s in their best interest to speak neurotypical and when they can let their guard down.

I like this approach. But, in a sense, it still puts all of the onus on neurodiverse people to constantly “code-switch.” Code-switching is defined as the “process of shifting from one language or dialect to another, depending on the social context or conversational setting.” And it’s important to note that not every neurodiverse person can deftly code-switch.

So…can neurotypicals learn more about neurodiverse communication styles? I think they can and I know that, from my own experience, learning more about it has helped me recognize my own neurodiversity that I was previously completely unaware of.

(I want to add a huge caveat here and say that no group of people are a monolith and I’m not an expert; I’m simply sharing ideas that resonate with me and have shown up in me or my loved ones.)

Here are some more specific differences in communication to consider if you want to better understand your neurodiverse friends:

If you are calm, confident, and happy in your own skin, you will be better able to see others for who they are at face value, without rushing to judgement.