I'm so sorry your family has had to endure this. Sounds like you are absolutely doing what is right for you and your son. I hope you have the best, most relaxing Christmas yet!
Happy Holidays, Andrea, to you, Jason, Sofia, and Ginger! This couldn't be more timely and wow do I appreciate your insights!! THANK YOU!!!! Very briefly, I was at a Winter Solstice gathering with my husband last night and I have my let's just say particularities. For example, I am a picky eater due to being a vegan plus my OCD so I do not eat at other people's houses. So many people commented to me about me not eating last night. It saddened me and made me self-conscious. As I told my husband, I was really enjoying the conversations, the atmosphere, the people, the vibe - and I didn't see the need for several people to outwardly point out that I wasn't eating and question that especially since it wasn't a sit-down dinner or a formal meal. I started to question my own belonging and fitting in giving our society. So, in answer to your question, I invite people to just let others be themselves as best as possible at holiday gatherings. Thank you again for this post, Andrea!!!!
Hi Jennifer -- So sorry you had people nosing in on your food choices. It seems like people are extra interested about what others are eating during the holidays. I find people are like this about alcohol, too. Jason and I have never been drinkers and we get a lot of funny looks or we just don't get invited to things because of it. 🤷🏻♀️ I love your advice -- just let others be themselves as best as possible! I'll quote that always and forever.
Thank you for sharing this. Why does it matter so much to other people about food? My son has OCD too, and is very particular about what he eats. He actually feels more comfortable saying no to food than I do. I was raised with parents that told me it was rude to not eat food that is offered by a host. No more. Again...why can't people keep their judgements and comments to themselves? 🤣
Thank you so much for this reply and for sharing about your son. I started following you here on Substack! LOVE your Winter Solstice post and video!!!!
Thanks for you input. It means so much to me. My son actually encourages me to share his story. I think it makes him feel understood and seen a bit better.
Interestingly, the article that we both saw on instagram was written by a dad. I know it’s hard, but there’s no mention of talking with the parents of the rude cousins. Why would they want to raise ableist kids? Hopefully it’s just ignorance.
I was really wondering about that, too. I often see parents feeling guilty(?), unconsciously ashamed (?) that their kid behaves a little differently, so they don't advocate. Yet. Hopefully it's just a yet and the parents will become more comfortable. But yes, I agree. It seemed a little strange that everyone would just let this happen and not guide the rude cousins toward more appropriate responses. If we're so focused on our kids being polite, shouldn't that include being warm and welcoming to other family members??
Instead the approach was going off and doing their own thing on holidays. I get that, I’ve fantasized about it. But if we really believe that kids do well if they can, and lagging skills are the issue, then it’s a teachable moment for those parents and kids. If we want to see a more inclusive future, we need to educate people close to us about ableism. Just like we wouldn’t tolerate uncle Joe being racist.
The shame issue is real. We’re all swimming in the soup of ableism. But we can’t stay there. We have a responsibility to our kids to see it for what it is (oppression) and root it out.
Thank you for these wonderful insights. Life is so much richer when we acknowledge the widely different experiences people have and are curious instead of homogeneous, allowing more grace for everyone. 🙏
Another wonderful post, and so timely. I wish that I had this email 25 years ago, especially during the holidays. Navigating holidays with family that isn't informed about neurodiversity is very challenging and emotionally draining. I remember getting so angry at my little boy who just couldn't "fit in" at these gatherings. I was embarrassed by his behavior and felt like a horrible mother. Why couldn't I "control" him? Oh my. I am getting emotional just thinking about all of that. I am more confident and open about discussing my son's limitations. If it's rude to have his phone out during discussions...too bad. He has his own set of coping mechanisms and I'm not about to comment. I try to remember that my family is ignorant about neurodiversity, so I try to educate them as much as possible. I'd love to see a future when people can be who they are, without feeling the need to justify themselves. What is normal anyway, and who gets to decide?
I feel your pain. It took me time, too, to feel comfortable. I think that when they are very young, we're still just figuring them out and the expectations of others out. And, like you, I look back and cringe at my own expectations and behavior. I LOVE -- what is normal anyway, and who gets to decide??? So good, so true!
Thank you for sharing ways to support neurodiverse kids and parents during the holidays. Also shining a light on the shame that arise for parents. There were(are) times when I’m feeling like there is something I’m doing “wrong” on the parenting front, especially in the eyes of others. Thankfully yoga has helped calm that mind chatter and ground me so that I can see more clearly. This way I can be an advocate for myself and our family.
It's taken me so long to shake the feeling that things are supposed to be different than how they are...if that makes sense. Makes me wish I was less ashamed earlier, but it's also great to look back and celebrate how far we've come in our empathy and, as you say, sense of groundedness. Solidarity!
Thanks for this post Andrea. So many great tips and insights. I especially could resonate with the meme!
Learning from you and others over the past couple of years about neurodiversity and taking to heart the varying ways stimulus and hyperfixation effects my neurodiverse adult kids helps me to offer them better suggestions on being in difficult situations and embrace their uniqueness even more. You are so appreciated! Thank you ❤️
Hello andrea,
This post is just so timely and welcome as I navigate the Christmas period with a socially awkward, likely neurodiverse, arfid teenager!
We have struggled over the years with relatives who didn’t understand him, bullied him into eating and told my husband and I how to parent!!
We now do Christmas on our own, we have consciously decided not to put him and ourselves through that anymore!!
This article just adds to my resolve that we ARE doing the right thing!
Have a happy Christmas 🎄
Kylie
I'm so sorry your family has had to endure this. Sounds like you are absolutely doing what is right for you and your son. I hope you have the best, most relaxing Christmas yet!
It's amazing that how you support and advocate for your son!
Happy Holidays, Andrea, to you, Jason, Sofia, and Ginger! This couldn't be more timely and wow do I appreciate your insights!! THANK YOU!!!! Very briefly, I was at a Winter Solstice gathering with my husband last night and I have my let's just say particularities. For example, I am a picky eater due to being a vegan plus my OCD so I do not eat at other people's houses. So many people commented to me about me not eating last night. It saddened me and made me self-conscious. As I told my husband, I was really enjoying the conversations, the atmosphere, the people, the vibe - and I didn't see the need for several people to outwardly point out that I wasn't eating and question that especially since it wasn't a sit-down dinner or a formal meal. I started to question my own belonging and fitting in giving our society. So, in answer to your question, I invite people to just let others be themselves as best as possible at holiday gatherings. Thank you again for this post, Andrea!!!!
Hi Jennifer -- So sorry you had people nosing in on your food choices. It seems like people are extra interested about what others are eating during the holidays. I find people are like this about alcohol, too. Jason and I have never been drinkers and we get a lot of funny looks or we just don't get invited to things because of it. 🤷🏻♀️ I love your advice -- just let others be themselves as best as possible! I'll quote that always and forever.
Thank you for sharing this. Why does it matter so much to other people about food? My son has OCD too, and is very particular about what he eats. He actually feels more comfortable saying no to food than I do. I was raised with parents that told me it was rude to not eat food that is offered by a host. No more. Again...why can't people keep their judgements and comments to themselves? 🤣
Thank you so much for this reply and for sharing about your son. I started following you here on Substack! LOVE your Winter Solstice post and video!!!!
Thanks for you input. It means so much to me. My son actually encourages me to share his story. I think it makes him feel understood and seen a bit better.
I hope this helps with the sense of belonging:
https://open.substack.com/pub/katelynch/p/will-your-family-choose-overwhelm-neurodiverse
Thank you for sharing.
Thanks, my mission is to eradicate shame and co-create a more inclusive world. If you liked that, you might like my most recent post: https://open.substack.com/pub/katelynch/p/navigating-holiday-intolerance-compassion
Interestingly, the article that we both saw on instagram was written by a dad. I know it’s hard, but there’s no mention of talking with the parents of the rude cousins. Why would they want to raise ableist kids? Hopefully it’s just ignorance.
I was really wondering about that, too. I often see parents feeling guilty(?), unconsciously ashamed (?) that their kid behaves a little differently, so they don't advocate. Yet. Hopefully it's just a yet and the parents will become more comfortable. But yes, I agree. It seemed a little strange that everyone would just let this happen and not guide the rude cousins toward more appropriate responses. If we're so focused on our kids being polite, shouldn't that include being warm and welcoming to other family members??
Instead the approach was going off and doing their own thing on holidays. I get that, I’ve fantasized about it. But if we really believe that kids do well if they can, and lagging skills are the issue, then it’s a teachable moment for those parents and kids. If we want to see a more inclusive future, we need to educate people close to us about ableism. Just like we wouldn’t tolerate uncle Joe being racist.
The shame issue is real. We’re all swimming in the soup of ableism. But we can’t stay there. We have a responsibility to our kids to see it for what it is (oppression) and root it out.
Thank you for these wonderful insights. Life is so much richer when we acknowledge the widely different experiences people have and are curious instead of homogeneous, allowing more grace for everyone. 🙏
Thanks so much for reading and understanding, Tami!
I love the curious part. Instead of judgement, can’t we just notice?
Another wonderful post, and so timely. I wish that I had this email 25 years ago, especially during the holidays. Navigating holidays with family that isn't informed about neurodiversity is very challenging and emotionally draining. I remember getting so angry at my little boy who just couldn't "fit in" at these gatherings. I was embarrassed by his behavior and felt like a horrible mother. Why couldn't I "control" him? Oh my. I am getting emotional just thinking about all of that. I am more confident and open about discussing my son's limitations. If it's rude to have his phone out during discussions...too bad. He has his own set of coping mechanisms and I'm not about to comment. I try to remember that my family is ignorant about neurodiversity, so I try to educate them as much as possible. I'd love to see a future when people can be who they are, without feeling the need to justify themselves. What is normal anyway, and who gets to decide?
I feel your pain. It took me time, too, to feel comfortable. I think that when they are very young, we're still just figuring them out and the expectations of others out. And, like you, I look back and cringe at my own expectations and behavior. I LOVE -- what is normal anyway, and who gets to decide??? So good, so true!
Thank you for sharing ways to support neurodiverse kids and parents during the holidays. Also shining a light on the shame that arise for parents. There were(are) times when I’m feeling like there is something I’m doing “wrong” on the parenting front, especially in the eyes of others. Thankfully yoga has helped calm that mind chatter and ground me so that I can see more clearly. This way I can be an advocate for myself and our family.
It's taken me so long to shake the feeling that things are supposed to be different than how they are...if that makes sense. Makes me wish I was less ashamed earlier, but it's also great to look back and celebrate how far we've come in our empathy and, as you say, sense of groundedness. Solidarity!
Thanks for this post Andrea. So many great tips and insights. I especially could resonate with the meme!
Learning from you and others over the past couple of years about neurodiversity and taking to heart the varying ways stimulus and hyperfixation effects my neurodiverse adult kids helps me to offer them better suggestions on being in difficult situations and embrace their uniqueness even more. You are so appreciated! Thank you ❤️