In the crying to Cat Stevens stage of grief

Love as a form of resistance

17 year old me in Pennsylvania. 1989.

Like so many of you, I’ve been trying to process the U.S. election over the past week. I’ve mostly been bouncing from rage to calm curiosity to sadness over and over again. But I had a little breakthrough today and I wanted to share it with you in hopes that it’s helpful.

Today, as I drove with Sofia, something possessed me to put on Cat Stevens’ Greatest Hits. I discovered Cat Stevens as an east coast high school girl in the mid-80s and I don’t think I’ve listened to him since that period of my life.

As we drove home this evening in the fading light, I was flooded by sense memories of being 16 years old, driving on Pennsylvania backroads blasting “I Can’t Keep It In,” and feeling…free and utterly in love with life.

So, I did what any nostalgic, deeply emotional person does while they’re in the car listening to Cat Stevens: I started singing. Loudly.

Oh, I can't keep it in, I can't keep it in
I've gotta let it out
I've gotta show the world, world's gotta see
See all the love, love that's in me

I said, "why walk alone, why worry when it's warm over here?"
You've got so much to say, say what you mean
Mean what you're thinkin', and think anything
Oh why, why must you waste your life away?
You've got to live for today, then let it go, oh…

Sofia gave me some side-eye, but bit her lip and remained silent. As we drove up to our house, the song Peace Train came on and as I started to belt this one out, she turned toward me, her eyebrow raised, silently imploring me to stop.

“I’m sorry, honey,” I said. “I’m just really sad that Trump is president.” And I unexpectedly burst into tears. Tears for all of the people who have been hurt and will be hurt by his policies. Tears for a country that seems so filled with hate. Tears for my daughter and her generation and all they will inherit. Tears that we hold on our pockets and in our hands a device that both connects us but also primes us for rage and confusion and misinformation. Tears for so many reasons.

But also, tears of relief. Because it felt incredibly rebellious and subversive to sing LOUDLY about love right now. Because love is something that he can’t take away. We get to love our lives and love our people and keep loving and loving and loving through it all — through the fear and the pain of policies that hurt us, he cannot take away our love.

And holding onto these feelings of love and joy and companionship are going to be vital to getting us through the next four years.

On my Instagram stories yesterday, I asked the question “How are you doing?” One of my followers, Rachael Murray (@rachaeldmurray) said this:

I was shattered the day we found out. And then something evolved and released in me. I’m a Flight Attendant and I will tell you that after this happened, I went back to work and all of us hugged after our flights. Every flight since then, I’ve noticed we all are just expressing that love and appreciation we have for each other. I no longer center men. I no longer wish for the white picket fence. My friends and my family and my cats and the trees outside, that’s all there is. All of it will eventually go. So I love them where they’re here. While I’m here.

Rachael’s answer reminded me of when I got my breast cancer diagnosis 10 years ago. I experienced what Patanjali describes as single-pointed focus. All of my energy and thoughts became focused on the two most important things in my life — Sofia and Jason. (We didn’t have Ginger yet!) It was the most freeing sort of tunnel vision. All of the riff raff fell away and the truly important stuff of life came to the foreground.

So, here we are. We will all continue to experience so many emotions and ups and downs. I hope we will also feel moments of fierce resolve, of supporting each other, of single-pointed focus on what’s most important to us.

Hours ago, Trump announced Matt Gaetz as his pick for Attorney General. The man who was being investigated by the Justice Department for sex trafficking is now on track to oversee that very department.¹ Do we know if Gaetz will be confirmed? We don’t. Even if he is, do we know how long he will last in the position before Trump changes his mind and tosses off an infamous, “You’re fired.” We don’t know that either.

And so, we engage when we can, but we also protect our peace when we need to. We turn off the phone and watch Great British Baking Show when we need to.

We remember to sing in the car, loudly, to Cat Stevens. Much to the embarrassment of whoever happens to be there beside us.

1. https://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/matt-gaetz-faced-sex-trafficking-investigation-justice-department-115842848